I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
