Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
