I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
