I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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