she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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