omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
