Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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