I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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