I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish I only lived at night.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
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I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
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I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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