I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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