i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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