He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
