oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
