weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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