So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
