Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im drinking this country out of the recession.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
