I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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