i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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