I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
