Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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