And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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