He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
