Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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