I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
