I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
