i used baking grease as lip gloss
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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