yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
