i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
