i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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