phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
