Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
