I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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