i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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