eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
