Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
