Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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