Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
we made out on top of his cat.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
