I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
