I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
