Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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