my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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