She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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