I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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