thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
