she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
