Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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