update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
