you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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