I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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