I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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