my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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