i don't like sucking hair
Only a mothe r could love this liver
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
