It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
