I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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