sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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