Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
