I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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