So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
