The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
